Queen of the Wolves

King of the Birds

You and I Know
FUCK. It's all been on the wrong puzzle. No wonder this piece has never fit. I've been on the wrong plane. When life is a billion pieces, you can get pretty confused. Unfortunately, I thought this was a middle piece, but it's an end piece I can't figure out.

I've loved this piece. At least I think I did. It looks good...took care of it. Didn't lose it. It makes me smile a little bit still. Maybe that's why it wants to be a center piece, when it's really an end piece. I was good to it. I wonder how that piece views me...probably oddly. The piece would have abused me, used me, disrespected me, and made me cry. All my pieces have done that in fact.

Maybe all the good ones aren't meant to be put down yet. All the good pieces haven't escaped my heart and mind to the puzzle...probably because they are good ones.

I want so badly to put this end piece down, but it was never my piece in the first place to put down. It's always been someone elses...and when I find that person's puzzle, that piece will fit to it. Because as much as I want it to fit to mine, it will never work without breaking some other memory of mine.

But I will hold it and cherish it until I figure out who it goes to. I don't want to harm it or upset it or ruin it. I want that piece to fit someone's life like I wished it would've fit in mine. FUCK.

I'm going back to bed.

Dark Was Night
I step outside and instantly the breeze rushes my hair somewhere new. The smell of falling Cherry Blossom blooms and sea take over. If I closed my eyes I swear I was in Japan. I wish I was in Japan. The sun shoots through the clouds and I'm squinting to see as the vitamins hit my blood stream and I inhale. I inhale every inch of this feeling.

Mornings like this produce a near and almost euphoric state for me. Somehow I can completely forget that I've loved too much to never be loved in return. I forget that I've felt more hell than heaven. I forget all the things I was thinking mattered. I forget how scared I've been. I feel fearless and I know my stride is straight and punchy. Nothing could stop me.

It all rushes back the second I hop onto the bus. I see your face in my memories. It's a mess. It hurts to see you that way. All of a sudden I span through the existence of the men I know and I've seen that face on all of them at least once or twice. I provoke pain and weakness. I am a spitting image of my father and mother put together. My blood is theirs and it runs rampant on anyone that ever gets close. As my blood flows, everyone else's boils. I feel this heat rise up in me and I immediately wish I didn't exist. To think of how many lives would feel much better if I never existed...it's appalling. My reputation is scarred by my actions and others opinions. I've worked hard to bring it back to fruition, but people don't forget the past...they repeat it (as will I).

I start to notice the color of my skin. It's got red patches of strawberry coloring with blueberry veins and freckles. My ivory nails have all been bitten down and the skin next to them are all white and red and subjected to question on how stressed I've become. I look like a bruise with freckles. I feel like a bruise with freckles. I'm weaker than you.

Bon Iver's "Creature Fear" starts to play and I melt into my seat. Does my other half exist? Did I meet him already and push him to the door? Is he something I've regretted? Is there even such a thing? Why should I even care?

Most of my life has been motivated by loving, and being loved in return. Okay, I lied, ALL of my life has been governed by love. I just want to love and be loved in return. It's truly the only thing I'm kind of really scared of and therefore, I want to conquer it. I want to love like how my lungs love oxygen. Like how my body loves music.

Bon Iver's "Blood Bank" plays and I sink deep into my cerebellum. I hear the lyrics "I know it well" over and over again. I focus on those words the hardest and watch my fingers jab at the corners of skin around my nails. I feel alive. I feel bruised. As I hop off the bus I feel it all rush to me. Faces of others are now blurred and my mind's scab is finally picked. As it peels off I notice I'm sitting on the bench at the wrong bus stop and I have been staring at the same spec in the road for twenty minutes. I am now late to work. I am now late to life. Instead of putting it all together and picking up the pieces, I sit. I stare and I listen. I listen harder to the feeling of each song that I should. I feel the guitar strings on my fingers, the microphone in my face, the buzzing of the tubes in the amp, and I close my eyes. I could die right now.

I sit until the next bus comes. I take that numbingly to somewhere unfamiliar and walk to the closest shore. I sit down and there's the mountains across the water, the forest behind me, the rocks below me, the water next to me. I want to dive in. I want to hide inside nature. Mother nature's womb. I want to be reborn again. As something else other than this.

What would happen if I could actually be loved how I want to love in return? What exactly would I do first? I'd probably take on the stars, the universe, the beyond. I'd become a goddess. I'd be mightier than Aphrodite.

So in all retrospect, I guess I want to become a goddess. I want to feel invincible, not invisible. I don't want to feel like I can be bruised again.

But we all do know that bruises heal.

How to Live
Last night I got the strangest call. An old friend I had written off called me. I don't know why I answered, but I'm fairly certain I'm glad I did.

For the last ten years, this person has always taken me for granted. Not once was I treated like anything more than a door to open and close. He had tried apologizing several times for just up and pushing me aside for a century, but with him being trashed I never knew if he meant it or not. You see, his words are sour when he's drunk. There's vindictive intentions inside them and they spew out poison. His blood is made of kerosene and his heart hasn't beat functionally since he was born...except for last night.

The tone of voice I heard last night was the guy I've always known existed. This apologetic, remorseful, emotionally lonely, and even a little pathetic man. I've spent the last eight years waiting to trust him again. I've spent the last years fighting for a piece in his heart.

AND Last night:
His words were beautiful and rolled off his tongue like a resurrection.
Like a hand taking another.
Like a heart blooming again.

Like a lungs first breath.

And that's exactly what I couldn't do, breathe. I had no words. I had nothing but a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. I couldn't do anything but choke and apologize for being a nut...and I couldn't even find any other words, but the look on my face I'm sure did enough damage through the phone.

Even if he leaves for good this time, I know I won't cry, I won't scream. I won't feel anything. That's better than what he's given me before. That's better than tears, better than pain, better than my self esteem being torn.

I know I'm so melodramatic, but with a life full of mistrust who could blame me?

Thank you Cory, for helping me let go now. I don't know if I could ever trust you again, but I want to. I want to love you fully again, like I used to, but I'm sure it will take a lifetime of reassurance. It will take a lifetime of loving me how I've always loved you.

The Adventure:
This could have been a lot harder than I thought it'd be. This could have taken a lot more heartache, but I guess I never let it get that far...it was short lived, for what it's worth. Surprisingly, all the emotions I thought that would come haven't. I mean, it has been hard with probably every guy I liked, but not him. I got nothing, nothing but a smile of relief. It's probably because it was so easy to do. The idea that I can just let go like that of something I knew never would exist, just makes me much more collected. I'm happy knowing that I was able to finally get rid of this...I've been talking about it for months. I call this "letting go of the untrustworthy."

The feeling when I realized that my eyes were closed to these people was unbearable. I didn't realize I had so many people I considered friends become that untrustworthy. It's okay though. I weeded out the bad ones. I've got two major best friends now, and they've been through everything and I have been through everything with them. They both make me better myself, they make me want to smile all the time, and I don't even have to be intoxicated to have a good time with them.

These two people have seen me for me. Not what everyone else says I am. And because of this, I don't lie to them, I don't treat them like shit, I don't use them. It's because they believe I'm a good person, I have no reason to be sneaky or fabricate things. I have nothing to hide behind. I'm myself. I don't expect anyone to get this except those two.

They will always be the two that make me fall asleep smiling and/or laughing. They will be the two that make me want to wake up in the morning and get things done! I'm so happy for all they've accomplished, and I hope to hear that one day they are happy with all that I've accomplished. I want to grow with them in all aspects. I'm just happy they both are in my life. I lost him for a while, but he's back now and my heart is full again.

It was weird though how I thought it was someone else filling it, when in all honesty it wasn't that person, it was my friend that I had just missed for so long filling in the gaps again.

I love you two so much you couldn't possibly understand. I know you'll never take me for granted, say I'm obsessed with you, feel like I lie to you, or distrust my actions. I'll always be here...and I'll always be genuine. Trust me. :)

Now let's save up for that backpacking through Europe trip next Spring Break!!!

I remember...
They are the definition of love. Of the perfect life. They are unconditional and beautiful in every single way. They give you hope and belief that love does exist. They give you hope and belief that a happy life exists...and they are my grandparents. They mean the world to me and so much more. Nothing and no one could ever take their place. They've raised me most of my life and they've taught me to respect, to love, and to remain strong.

Today my grandpa fell and threw up. He was dizzy and may have had vertigo, but no one really knows yet. He's in the hospital....
...and I'm leaving them for some guy in Seattle who may love me...right when my grandma might need me the most. The idea of her needing me and I not being there is impossible to describe. What if's are running through my brain non-stop and I just can't fathom being alone in my head right now. It's too unbearable. I want to feel something other than this. I don't even care what it is.

I want to remember how to smile. I want to remember that I remember anything past them. All I can see right now is my grandpa in the hospital and it's making me want to scream. I know he's getting old, and things like that happen, but I'm not prepared for him to go. Lord, do you have to take him ever? Can't he live forever? He deserves it. He's the closest thing to a father I'll ever have and I am NOT ready to let him go. I am NOT ready to just remember him and see my grandma broken hearted because her unconditional love is gone. Her other half is missing. She'd be half the person she is and I can't watch her go through that. Their love is the kind that's written in books, and told through generations. It's the only kind of love I would want...and it's the only kind of love I'm afraid that doesn't exist anymore.

I will be strong. I will not stumble and fall, and I will love everyone with my whole heart now. I will not hide anything. Why? Love back then was so sincere, and now mine is too. I'm taking down that wall and saying "fuck it all." I'm going to love with the power of a trillion suns and I don't care if that means getting hurt, I HAVE to keep spread the love that my grandparents gave. I have to let that live on, because if I don't...no one will believe that anyone ever loved like that.

oh wow
I just read some old entries...and I fucking warned myself. I said "I will go with the worst idea..."

I warned myself. I told myself not to get involved...and so did every single friend of mine.

I am a fucking idiot.

Life would be so so much different right now. I hate myself now.

Great to remember:
i love moving

i hate packing, but i love unpacking. it's like unwrapping a christmas gift...and you know what it is

haha i use that same analogy for taking cloths of women


And it comes down to this. This moment where you feel truly and utterly engaged in emptiness. Insomnia kicks in. This is that moment when you realize that things won't turn out the way you want them to. Things will just get worse and better, but never exactly what you expected.
Frankly, I'd rather live in my head. Up there it's peaceful, it's exactly how I want everything to go.
To look. To feel. You're imagination can play a number on your reality.
It'll always just be a dream.
A lump in the throat and butterflies in the stomach.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
I love books for this reason. I can imagine anything that isn't what I would imagine. I get out of my imagination to pursue another's imagination through print and paper. I can step in their life and forget about mine for chapters and pages and sentences.
I can feel something I haven't.
Isn't this what we want out of life anyways? To be in someone else's story? To be apart of someone else's history?
Well you take up my emotions in this entire book. The readers will imagine you as some suave, Bruce Campbell-like character with the best words, the best paragraphs, the best chapters. They'll imagine you as someone they love too. They'll never forget you as I won't. They'll think the world of you and remember just as I have. They'll see you through my eyes, my emotions, my imagination.
You'll be apart of their histories too.
You'll live on long past your death.
Just as you'll live in me - forever.

Spirit Horse:
It's time I get lifted up. Lifted to yet another place, time, and vision. If I was remotely native American right now I would pray to the animal spirits to show me a new path. To show me something I wouldn't be scared of. As if there is a future path for me I'm not seeing. Come pick me up eagle and show me the way...the ocean has muddied my vision. It's getting cold now so all the waters are getting cloudy. I need warm waters to navigate my way...so eagle, come get me. Move me up and high so I can see the next plan of action.

Wolf guide me through this forest. The snow has made it hard to find a path or way. I need a fire, I need my heart to pulse faster to make it out alive. I need shelter and something to course the way.

I'm scared of the unknown and my feet are tired of treading the same river to find nothing but waterfalls...and I'm too scared to take the leap...so I head back the opposite way. It's back to the beginning. So something come along, please, help me take that leap. Who cares if I get hurt? I don't. I want the pain of payment. I want to feel like I'm flying even though I'm falling. I want to feel something other than the same scared movements I've kept up with so perfectly.

So wolf and eagle, guide me along the path less traveled. I want it to rip, claw and ravage my soul and entire existence so I know what it's like to feel again. Give me that blood flow again! Come on, make this heart beat faster and stronger and wiser.

I'm tired of trudging. I want to fly or run...I want to run the opposite direction I've ran for all these years. Get me out of this water before the ice traps me in and I am stuck inside all winter. The cold will most likely kill me. I don't want to die yet. So take my body and show me the way.

my backwards walk:
Well today I have had this huge lump in my throat. I want to cry and I am lazier than ever. I am not sure why.

I just want to jump on a plane and go somewhere where I don't know anyone for a day. Watch a movie in the theaters alone, see a gorgeous sunset by myself, and observe an entire city from the top of a skyscraper. By myself so I don't have to talk to anyone. So I can sit and think and things can be sorted out without feeling like I have to speak to the person I'm traveling with. I want to not have to speak for one whole day. Just to be stuck in my head. Figuring things and feelings out. Not knowing anyone so you don't have to feel like you're on a personal level with anyone. Feeling distant. Feeling new, like when you were a kid and you went someplace for the first time. Like you were so excited to see and experience everything that you ran ahead of everyone. You forgot everyone else was there like your mom or dad. You felt free. You felt like your animal self again.

I don't know why, but sometimes this feeling can be so strong I can not concentrate on anything else. I can feel my veins pulsing again and I want to run away and I'm scared for whatever reason I am not sure of...and I feel like throwing up. This is that Peter Pan Syndrome. I want to just get up and go somewhere because I'm afraid of something here. And what's worse is that the one guy that I should go see I am scared to. He's cold, hungry, alone, and broke. If I see him like that I will cry my eyes out...and I am not ready for that. I guess I am not ready for much of anything still. I am still scared of facing things like ... most of my emotions.

What here is making me like this?! I haven't been like this in years. I haven't felt so strongly to get out, to run and never look back. It must be a good thing. I mean, every time I have ran from everything it wasn't good when I came back. So this time I'll try and stick it out and see what happens. I hope I get over this uncommitted attitude to reality by doing everything my body and blood says not to. Ignore that independent animal-like notions. They are causing you to become less of what society wants you to become...a civil human being.

It's going to be a challenge since I've ran from everything in my life once or twice. I can not give in to it again. Fight it Michelle, show the world you can be stable. Time to face the music. Not the call of the wild.


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