onemisfortune

And it comes down to this. This moment where you feel truly and utterly engaged in emptiness. Insomnia kicks in. This is that moment when you realize that things won't turn out the way you want them to. Things will just get worse and better, but never exactly what you expected.
Frankly, I'd rather live in my head. Up there it's peaceful, it's exactly how I want everything to go.
To look. To feel. You're imagination can play a number on your reality.
It'll always just be a dream.
A lump in the throat and butterflies in the stomach.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
I love books for this reason. I can imagine anything that isn't what I would imagine. I get out of my imagination to pursue another's imagination through print and paper. I can step in their life and forget about mine for chapters and pages and sentences.
I can feel something I haven't.
Isn't this what we want out of life anyways? To be in someone else's story? To be apart of someone else's history?
Well you take up my emotions in this entire book. The readers will imagine you as some suave, Bruce Campbell-like character with the best words, the best paragraphs, the best chapters. They'll imagine you as someone they love too. They'll never forget you as I won't. They'll think the world of you and remember just as I have. They'll see you through my eyes, my emotions, my imagination.
You'll be apart of their histories too.
You'll live on long past your death.
Just as you'll live in me - forever.

It's time I get lifted up. Lifted to yet another place, time, and vision. If I was remotely native American right now I would pray to the animal spirits to show me a new path. To show me something I wouldn't be scared of. As if there is a future path for me I'm not seeing. Come pick me up eagle and show me the way...the ocean has muddied my vision. It's getting cold now so all the waters are getting cloudy. I need warm waters to navigate my way...so eagle, come get me. Move me up and high so I can see the next plan of action.

Wolf guide me through this forest. The snow has made it hard to find a path or way. I need a fire, I need my heart to pulse faster to make it out alive. I need shelter and something to course the way.

I'm scared of the unknown and my feet are tired of treading the same river to find nothing but waterfalls...and I'm too scared to take the leap...so I head back the opposite way. It's back to the beginning. So something come along, please, help me take that leap. Who cares if I get hurt? I don't. I want the pain of payment. I want to feel like I'm flying even though I'm falling. I want to feel something other than the same scared movements I've kept up with so perfectly.

So wolf and eagle, guide me along the path less traveled. I want it to rip, claw and ravage my soul and entire existence so I know what it's like to feel again. Give me that blood flow again! Come on, make this heart beat faster and stronger and wiser.

I'm tired of trudging. I want to fly or run...I want to run the opposite direction I've ran for all these years. Get me out of this water before the ice traps me in and I am stuck inside all winter. The cold will most likely kill me. I don't want to die yet. So take my body and show me the way.

Well today I have had this huge lump in my throat. I want to cry and I am lazier than ever. I am not sure why.

I just want to jump on a plane and go somewhere where I don't know anyone for a day. Watch a movie in the theaters alone, see a gorgeous sunset by myself, and observe an entire city from the top of a skyscraper. By myself so I don't have to talk to anyone. So I can sit and think and things can be sorted out without feeling like I have to speak to the person I'm traveling with. I want to not have to speak for one whole day. Just to be stuck in my head. Figuring things and feelings out. Not knowing anyone so you don't have to feel like you're on a personal level with anyone. Feeling distant. Feeling new, like when you were a kid and you went someplace for the first time. Like you were so excited to see and experience everything that you ran ahead of everyone. You forgot everyone else was there like your mom or dad. You felt free. You felt like your animal self again.

I don't know why, but sometimes this feeling can be so strong I can not concentrate on anything else. I can feel my veins pulsing again and I want to run away and I'm scared for whatever reason I am not sure of...and I feel like throwing up. This is that Peter Pan Syndrome. I want to just get up and go somewhere because I'm afraid of something here. And what's worse is that the one guy that I should go see I am scared to. He's cold, hungry, alone, and broke. If I see him like that I will cry my eyes out...and I am not ready for that. I guess I am not ready for much of anything still. I am still scared of facing things like ... most of my emotions.

What here is making me like this?! I haven't been like this in years. I haven't felt so strongly to get out, to run and never look back. It must be a good thing. I mean, every time I have ran from everything it wasn't good when I came back. So this time I'll try and stick it out and see what happens. I hope I get over this uncommitted attitude to reality by doing everything my body and blood says not to. Ignore that independent animal-like notions. They are causing you to become less of what society wants you to become...a civil human being.

It's going to be a challenge since I've ran from everything in my life once or twice. I can not give in to it again. Fight it Michelle, show the world you can be stable. Time to face the music. Not the call of the wild.

Well I broke down drunk and retarded last night to the ex-fiance. I told him I still loved him and that I miss him and I am losing it without him...and the funny thing is is that it was all a lie. I totally lied my face off. I made him just think I still really cared about him when I don't. He moved and ruined anything between us. Yeah I will be moving up there, if all things go as planned. But we all know things don't ever go as planned. I might stay here, or move somewhere else, who knows. But regardless, I feel bad for lying to him. I mean I still care, but I haven't really thought about him but more than once this week and that is saying something. I guess I've just moved on and realized that things end for a reason. I even told him I felt like he was my other half and that is way out of the park! I have no idea why I said that. Maybe I said it all because I felt like I needed to say it to someone, and he just happened to be that someone I felt like saying it to. But when I woke up this morning I realized that I care for him, but that is it. If I loved him I would be up there already and living with him...but I am not even trying. In fact, I'm stalling. I'm taking more schooling, I'm telling him later dates, and now I'm not sure if I want to go up there. I am not the girl he is supposed to be with. I won't go out of my way for him anymore. I think him leaving helped me realize that the relationship wasn't really anything great and when he moved he drew a big line between us. I don't know why I told him all of that and now I need to write him telling him that I am not in love with him anymore. I don't want to say it, but I really do at the same time. I want him to know I was lying and that I shouldn't have said all that shit. I will give it a day or two maybe. Then I'll let him know. Maybe I should just let all my exes know exactly how I feel about them so they all don't think I'm still obsessing over them or anything. Only two of my exes are still really in my heart anymore and the others I barely care for more than a friend. So I guess it's that time to make ammends.

okay so i tried to have a conversation with a friend of mine, even though i sort of started making it into a debate....about evolution.


i first of all, think it's absurd to think that some creator made us.
and i secondly, think it's even more absurd to think that the earth is only millions of years old.

there is testiment that states otherwise for the above fact, that the earth is definately not as old as i would think it is, but most of the statements have questions in themselves.

i had decided to look at the facts and theories and came up with this:
1. a theory refers to a hypothesis that has passed so many tests that it is generally accepted as a true fact. therefore, the theory of evolution is true.

2. the volcanic ridge is a continuous submarine range of volcanic mountains that runs through all the ocean basins, so therefore our core is made of molten rock.

3. Our earth has had continental drifting. we have proven facts that the same animal fossils have been found on completely different continents.

4. There are two forms of sediment in the marine life:
A. Lithogenous - derived from the physical and chemical breakdown of rocks.
B. Biogenous - consists of the skeletons and shells of marine organisms. These can be called microfossils and have told us what organisms lived in the ocean in the past, they give us clues to ancient ocean temperatures, and so forth.

5. All living things grow, metabolize, regulate their internal environment, react to the external environment, and reproduce. The basic structural unit of life is the cell. The two major cell types are:
A. Prokaryotic cells - most ancient, simplest and smallest cells, bacteria mostly make up this type.
B. Eukaryotoic cells - organized and complex, contains DNA, a nucleus, and other things that our cells carry. this is us in the most simplest form.

So these eukaryotic cells and these prokaryotic cells actually make up a lot of the biogenous sediment in the ocean, which in turn [over a long period of time] can actually form into fossil fuels.

So that proves that we are part of the cycle. now onto the evolution part:

evolution occurs because individual organisms have genetic differences in their ability to find food, avoid being eaten, in metabolism, and countless other things. The most adapted ones produce more offspring on average. they also pass their favorable characteristics on to those offspring. the favorable traits become more common and over generations and population, it becomes more similar to the individuals. so they are continually adapting to their environments. this proves that evolution is happening.

so in short, our planet evolved, we die, and we recycle. end of story.

15 years ago today my mother (bless her heart) passed away. Funny how my first History assignment is to write my own obituary today, for today, on the day my mother died.

How fitting and depressing, and heart breaking.

Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow...or maybe it's perfect to write a gut-wrenching one for class.

Who knows...

Well I read my last entry and I'm a bit upset I didn't finish it.

I've ruined a lot of relationships, but none of them were entirely all my fault. I wouldn't act out and misbehave myself if something wasn't upsetting me, but then again, I should probably talk it out instead of acting it out. That would be the most logical thing to do. Alas, I've realized this and now I am a single girl destined to probably stay this way for a long time as relationships terrify her.

I mean, I'd really love to get involved again with someone, but I just can't seem to find anyone that doesn't have a flaw to them that I can not get passed. Call me judgmental or just plain picky. I just don't want to waste any time on something I'm sure won't work.

I guess it all comes down to a connection. I have not really found that connection I've been looking for in a long time. I've forced it for a long time, but I have not had it come naturally like it used to. I think it is because I have seen the ugly side of love and relationships and now connections aren't so intense or whatever the word would be.

I do think that a kiss is still just as intense. If you look at my face when a guy is kissing me you can automatically tell if I like him or if I'm forcing it. Usually it's a forced like. Something I feel like I have to do now that I'm so cynical and in denial that true, unabridged, and unrequited love really exists.

Does that sound depressing? If so, it shouldn't. To me it's very simple. You love, you lose, you learn, and you move on.

Here, let me give you a quick example of how I have perceived relationships lately:
Let's say your relationships are laid out before you. You have always been looking at them from ground level as they tower over you and are hard to focus on. Now let's say you decide to look at them from a different approach. Lets say one day you see this huge, sturdy ladder that can take you above the relationships to look at your entire life as a whole. As you stare at it it looks more and more inviting because each huge skyscraper is towering so high over you that you keep getting lost in your big city of failures and mistakes and past relationships...and life. You climb this ladder and all of a sudden, everything is infinitesimal small. Every skyscraper looks now like a small little pebble that you can hardly see. It didn't take up too much time on your city time line. So now you see a clear path to your future and you see everything else that was so hard to get past as now a tiny building. Something so small it shouldn't matter to you in a life time.

This is how I've come to view life. It's a great way to keep yourself focused on the path ahead and the plans you're about to accomplish. Instead of dwelling on the next building you may run into or the next huge mistake or whatever you would like to call it. It helps you get past the things you thought you'd never get past...and that is how I got over those relationships. That is how I've moved on from my past.

Even if some of my past is still with me, the feelings finally aren't there. No hard feelings either, no regret, nothing. Just past.

so i just spent the last hour scanning through the oldest of old journal entries. i've realized that i have all my past relationships in this journal, except the one. i deleted the entire relationship, from day one to the end and shit, even after.

did it really mess me up that bad that i eternal sunshined it? i can't remember much from it. i can't remember much at all actually. i do remember before and after. i must have spent so much time forgetting it that i actually forgot the majority of it.

so i have been trying to remember. i can remember little things here and there, but nothing really substantial. i think he remembers more. he says i forgot and made up some things...and i am believing him. i remember two substantial days...and that's it really.

am i actually forgetting things? am i really actually realizing i can let go of it all? i think i fought so hard to hold on to it that i had convinced myself i couldn't let it go.

there is still something there, but it's just small and i wouldn't call it a spark anymore, more like hot coals left over from the night before that someone poured water on to put out, but didn't get all of it. so it's smoldering underneath all this ash and no one really cares about it because it'll go out soon enough. it'll finally suffocate.

wow, i can't believe I'm saying this...I'm over it. it's a stab in the throat with a blunt object every single time i repeat it because that means i am over it. for once, I'm over it. took almost five years. and i think I'm more upset that I'm over it because i know that i thought he was the love of my life. my connection. in all honesty, if i can get over him, he wasn't.

and that scares and excites me more than anything. that he wasn't the one connection I'll never get over. he's the connection I've learned from, and the connection I'll never forget, but he doesn't take up that department in my heart now. he should have never had that portion in the first place. he didn't really deserve it. not that he was a bad boyfriend, because honestly he was one of the best boyfriends I've ever head, it's just that he never should have gotten that close to me. he shouldn't have caused me that much pain. i mean, come on, it took me longer to get over him that how long we dated.

i do think it's funny that every guy i have dated since hasn't hurt me that bad, but the break ups were way worse and the situations more extreme i think. i can't really remember the break up. i remember a bed, stairs, door, neighbors, and car. ...and driving to work crying a couple of times. that's all i remember. i think it was something like two months later that i actually broke down. i don't even know why i was so upset. i was the one who ruined it...oh maybe that is the reason. i ruined it.

....oh it's all coming back now so I'm done talking about it. last thing i want to do is say I'm not done yet....when i am.

Well I will leave you all and bid a goodnight.

Well my pell grant went through. I hopefully get it soon.
I am trying to get a better job. The one I had at MCC Bookstore gave me little no zero hours.
I keep having bad dreams about Matt, but in the end I'll be okay.
School starts in two weeks. I want to go camping before then but who knows.
The weather is almost bearable again. Can't wait.
Um...things aren't great, but they could be worse. That's the mentality I have lately.
Just getting by day to day.
Phone will be off tomorrow through the week...or until my grant comes.
Getting a beach cruiser then too. Possibly contacts and broadband for the laptop. Debating it all though.
I might just throw it all in an account and not touch it. Who knows.

Well off to another listless day.

I believe that my brain has finally conquered my erratic blood flow. It seems that everything inside that wanted to shift and transform into emotional energy is turning into theoretical impossibilities. Marketing my emotional self is now as dead as Billy Mays. Some would say I'm turning into a zombie that craves brains...and they would indeed tell me that a zombie way of life is not a great way to live, but I beg to differ. I like to crave the information that a person can obtain! I want to dwell on the facts and absorb the wisdom.

Emotions have ran my metaphorical stage of life for too many years and has put me in loads of trouble. I've hurt, abused, used, misinterpreted, taken for granted, lied, cheated, stole, and broke many hearts [including mine] from being so emotional. I've hated myself for not taking control in any of these situations. For a good six or seven years now I've been trying to focus on keeping myself composed. It may have taken a good portion of my life and time to do, but I can now see the rainbow at the end of this long tunnel. I have a focus on what I want and I will not rest till I get it.

I used to think that my grass would always be much more green somewhere else, but now I know that the grass you're standing in is probably the softest grass-since you're paying so much more attention to it. The grass somewhere else is probably neglected and full of weeds and insects. Why would you want to go see that grass and try to save it when you've got the best grass under your feet? I used to want to save that grass from decaying and it's own abandon. Now I just realized that if I did that I'd leave that beautiful patch I was on to rot and whither away. I'd never finish watching it grow and seeing the dew on a cold morning, the misty fog that washes over it when it's humid out, etc. Needless to say, I've let too many patches of grass that were beautiful die and barely looked back. Soon this patch of grass I'm on right now will grow and grow and cover those little broken patches I once cherished. Those broken patches that I've always wanted to fix and repair and watch flourish again will soon have an eternal slumber under the soil and blossom beautiful life once again.

The drought is finally over.

so tonight was GREAT! i talked to damien for two and a half hours tonight! i have not spoken to him since 2006 or so....but yeah i have never laughed so much and talked on the phone for that long since high school...hell maybe even this is the first time i've ever talked that long...and sadly, i still have so much more to talk about! aw i miss him i can't wait till he comes home! it's sad how much i remember about him. he's such an amazing person. =]


i also hung out with this guy steve that likes me, for the third time - this time sober - and that was fun. found out we had a lot of things in common. it was a little awkward, but good to meet him sober for once.


but yeah now i'm off to bed and i hope i have another long ass conversation with damien tomorrow or very soon.


i also got my first laptop today and taught crystal how to play some songs on the guitar. all in all it was an amazing day and evening. oh and i start my job at MCC Bookstore on Friday...so tomorrow now. yeah! life is great. i can't wait to move out and live on my own and get rid of this god forsaken dui!

I'm addicted to 3Oh!3 right now.
yuck!

but i have a ton of energy and am ready to go to the bars tonight and get free drinks for flirting. =]

has handed me a new thinking process. its one of those "do unto yourself" processes. i woke up again. literally woke up again to realize that i don't need anyone and no one needs me. i am just getting myself together and no one is stopping me. i missed being like this. getting a job by the end of the month. getting school things set up by the end of the month. losing that weight i desperately needed and have been trying to lose. No one and no man is getting in my way this time. i need to keep my thoughts on a straight path.

than mine last night meant a hell of a lot.

I was at home getting ready to go to school and wore a dress with heels because there was a guy in my first class that I thought was attractive. I must've been high school because I got to class and the teacher said that "the ladies will be in room 5" and I was upset because the cute guy was in class and I couldn't show him how cute I looked. So I grabbed by bags and asked where room 5 was and she told me and then looked at her watch and said "you have 5 minutes to get there before the bell rings. I'd go now." so I hugged her and took off running. Next thing I know this guy is behind me helping me find this class [I know him from memories past except he is wearing a sheriffs uniform]. So we are looking and then next thing I know he's in a truck taking me to this class which is way out of the school district and we drive past my old house in Illinois and come to a two-way stop. I tell him we have to go right and he goes "Yeah we go left. It's where the class is." and I automatically thought to myself and realized I do need to go right. Next thing I hear is his thoughts and he was going to take somewhere else and have his way with me. So I nonchallantly unlocked his truck door and flung myself and my backpack out! I heard his thoughts again and he was thinking about following me the whole way in his truck...giving him the option to run me over if I try to tell anyone anything. So I start heading down the right and realize that my old house was 3/4 a mile behind me and if I run fast enough I can go someplace safe. So I "psych out" the truck guy somehow and I run and stumble on tulips and trip and fall. I start crawling all the way to this house and fast as I can. Never looking back but knowing he's running after me. So I get up, look behing me, and regain my run. Then I wake up. I wanted to go back to sleep and see if I made it...but I couldn't get the dream to come back up.

According to my dream dictionary:
-I'm not afraid to move forward in life, I am just afraid to stumble.
-I need to build up my confidence, but something in my past keeps chasing me and messing with my ego.
-I'm chasing my dreams, but something in my past will always be in the back of my mind.
-I feel the need to protect myself from that person and it's causing me to stumble towards my goal.

The school stuff was all me missing my past. I was going to let myself move down the wrong path with this person I'm afraid to even like driving right behind me and ready and waiting to run me over. I decided that I'd rather go after my goals and head someplace "safe" enough for me. I will stumble, trip, and fall and even crawl my way there just as long as I reach them...but I'm only stumbling and crawling because my past is still in control of my ego. Once I build my confidence I could outrun or face any past problems.

So with all that being said:
In my dream I never reached that goal. I woke up before I got halfway there. Which means I need to let go of all that past and move forward so nothing can stop me or cause me to slip or stumble.
AND:
Since I can't write you outta my dreams. I'll write your name in the window steam, it'll disappear as you depart. I just gotta write you outta my heart.
Ugh you're the only thing that's been holding me back from everything. Just go away past romance of no epic proportions.

SO Here's the jist of what I've just heard today:
I wake up to a phone call from a friend stating that another friend is now single again. It's a sad day to wake up to a phone call like this. So, of course, I have to get the details! I'm such a gossip girl!

Turns out that girls and guys aren't very good at compromising anymore. I wish that love still had a bit of compromising and compassion for the other's feelings and needs and wants...but unfortunately, neither party cares about the other person anymore, just what they can steal [emotionally] from that person. It's very different than when my grandma and grandpa were young and restless. They truely loved then. The guys weren't percieved as horn dogs or assholes, but gentlemen. The ladies were just that - ladies. Love was love and lust wasn't exsistant. The Romantic Era will never return, but it's good to think about how much you can learn from these old love stories.

I'm so happy I'm single. I've never been in a relationship where the guy was willing to compromise. Too many relationships are ruined because of trust or not compromising.


Guys and gals - seriously what are you doing with a guy/girl that doesn't love you for every little bit of what you are? Including the good the bad and the ugly? Shouldn't you love someone for their flaws too?



Think about that for a moment.
Off to shop.

Well I've been spending a lot of time today just going through my old entries and laughing at most of them. I can almost pin-point the moment writing it and where I was and who I was with. Today has been a bit trying, I had an interview for Cricket and it turned out to be one of those "we'll call you back" things. I can not catch a break. Frustrating for sure.


I've also spent most of the day grovelling over Bill Murray on AMC. They're running one of those "Back to the 80's" marathons of movies and have watched: Ghostbusters 1 & 2, Caddyshack, and Stripes so far! He's just one of those amazing actors. He also used to be kind of hot lol.

I can't wait to get up early tomorrow morning and do something about my lost phone, apply at Village Inn, and talk to MCC for internet courses. I hope I can get school going and a job at the same time to work out. I really need a full time job and I also really need full time school so I can get financial aid. So we'll see how that all goes.

There is one thing I've been missing lately and that's going on a drive. My DUI has limited me from even thiking out getting out of here for one night. I'd drive to the ocean and throw all my problems at the sea again. I used to let that ocean eat up all my problems. It was a parasitic relationship. I do need to keep my head focused on what is good for me, not what I want. I get so distracted with daydreaming about things that I wish would happen and never will or should happen. I mean, I literally can not figure out how I function with how much I'm inside myself. It's pretty insane! Maybe I need to ask the doctor if that is something I can see a councelor for - thinking too much.

Alright well I'm off to hopefully go watch another Bill Murray film and then get my sleep on.

totally forgot about this thing...







one thing that i can say is that i miss the one person who ...i think... makes me whole.




thisyearssucks.com

ALL ARE MINT CONDITION [unless noted]

$5.00 each [unless noted]



Morrissey: The Best Of

The Animal Collective: Feels

Bracket: Live In A Dive [selling for $6.00 because it's hard to find]

The Smashing Pumpkins: Siamese Dream

The Rapture: Pieces of the People We Love

The Pixies: Complete 'B' Sides

Iron & Wine: Our Endless Numbered Days

MSI: You'll Rebel To Anything [$4.00 - scratch on case]

Placebo: Black Market Music

Alkaline Trio: Self-titled [$4.00 - scratch on case]

Mates of State: Team Boo [selling for $6.00 because it's hard to find and it comes with some cool stuff]

The Pixies: Doolittle

Wilco: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot [selling for $6.00 since it is in very good condition]

Kasabian: S/T

The New Pornographers: Twin Cinema [selling for $6.00 since it's hard to find]

Cake: Pressure Chief

The Lawrence Arms: Ghost Stories

Metric: Live It Out [selling for $7.00 since its very hard to find]

IAMX: The Alternative & Kiss + Swallow [both albums are extremely hard to find so I am selling them for $10.00 a piece or $18.00 together.]



Let me know if you want one.
I'm all ears and need the money asap.
Thanks.
Michelle