Well today I have had this huge lump in my throat. I want to cry and I am lazier than ever. I am not sure why.
I just want to jump on a plane and go somewhere where I don't know anyone for a day. Watch a movie in the theaters alone, see a gorgeous sunset by myself, and observe an entire city from the top of a skyscraper. By myself so I don't have to talk to anyone. So I can sit and think and things can be sorted out without feeling like I have to speak to the person I'm traveling with. I want to not have to speak for one whole day. Just to be stuck in my head. Figuring things and feelings out. Not knowing anyone so you don't have to feel like you're on a personal level with anyone. Feeling distant. Feeling new, like when you were a kid and you went someplace for the first time. Like you were so excited to see and experience everything that you ran ahead of everyone. You forgot everyone else was there like your mom or dad. You felt free. You felt like your animal self again.
I don't know why, but sometimes this feeling can be so strong I can not concentrate on anything else. I can feel my veins pulsing again and I want to run away and I'm scared for whatever reason I am not sure of...and I feel like throwing up. This is that Peter Pan Syndrome. I want to just get up and go somewhere because I'm afraid of something here. And what's worse is that the one guy that I should go see I am scared to. He's cold, hungry, alone, and broke. If I see him like that I will cry my eyes out...and I am not ready for that. I guess I am not ready for much of anything still. I am still scared of facing things like ... most of my emotions.
What here is making me like this?! I haven't been like this in years. I haven't felt so strongly to get out, to run and never look back. It must be a good thing. I mean, every time I have ran from everything it wasn't good when I came back. So this time I'll try and stick it out and see what happens. I hope I get over this uncommitted attitude to reality by doing everything my body and blood says not to. Ignore that independent animal-like notions. They are causing you to become less of what society wants you to become...a civil human being.
It's going to be a challenge since I've ran from everything in my life once or twice. I can not give in to it again. Fight it Michelle, show the world you can be stable. Time to face the music. Not the call of the wild.
- my backwards walk: