Last night I got the strangest call. An old friend I had written off called me. I don't know why I answered, but I'm fairly certain I'm glad I did.
For the last ten years, this person has always taken me for granted. Not once was I treated like anything more than a door to open and close. He had tried apologizing several times for just up and pushing me aside for a century, but with him being trashed I never knew if he meant it or not. You see, his words are sour when he's drunk. There's vindictive intentions inside them and they spew out poison. His blood is made of kerosene and his heart hasn't beat functionally since he was born...except for last night.
The tone of voice I heard last night was the guy I've always known existed. This apologetic, remorseful, emotionally lonely, and even a little pathetic man. I've spent the last eight years waiting to trust him again. I've spent the last years fighting for a piece in his heart.
AND Last night:
His words were beautiful and rolled off his tongue like a resurrection.
Like a hand taking another.
Like a heart blooming again.
Like a lungs first breath.
And that's exactly what I couldn't do, breathe. I had no words. I had nothing but a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. I couldn't do anything but choke and apologize for being a nut...and I couldn't even find any other words, but the look on my face I'm sure did enough damage through the phone.
Even if he leaves for good this time, I know I won't cry, I won't scream. I won't feel anything. That's better than what he's given me before. That's better than tears, better than pain, better than my self esteem being torn.
I know I'm so melodramatic, but with a life full of mistrust who could blame me?
Thank you Cory, for helping me let go now. I don't know if I could ever trust you again, but I want to. I want to love you fully again, like I used to, but I'm sure it will take a lifetime of reassurance. It will take a lifetime of loving me how I've always loved you.
- How to Live