I step outside and instantly the breeze rushes my hair somewhere new. The smell of falling Cherry Blossom blooms and sea take over. If I closed my eyes I swear I was in Japan. I wish I was in Japan. The sun shoots through the clouds and I'm squinting to see as the vitamins hit my blood stream and I inhale. I inhale every inch of this feeling.
Mornings like this produce a near and almost euphoric state for me. Somehow I can completely forget that I've loved too much to never be loved in return. I forget that I've felt more hell than heaven. I forget all the things I was thinking mattered. I forget how scared I've been. I feel fearless and I know my stride is straight and punchy. Nothing could stop me.
It all rushes back the second I hop onto the bus. I see your face in my memories. It's a mess. It hurts to see you that way. All of a sudden I span through the existence of the men I know and I've seen that face on all of them at least once or twice. I provoke pain and weakness. I am a spitting image of my father and mother put together. My blood is theirs and it runs rampant on anyone that ever gets close. As my blood flows, everyone else's boils. I feel this heat rise up in me and I immediately wish I didn't exist. To think of how many lives would feel much better if I never existed...it's appalling. My reputation is scarred by my actions and others opinions. I've worked hard to bring it back to fruition, but people don't forget the past...they repeat it (as will I).
I start to notice the color of my skin. It's got red patches of strawberry coloring with blueberry veins and freckles. My ivory nails have all been bitten down and the skin next to them are all white and red and subjected to question on how stressed I've become. I look like a bruise with freckles. I feel like a bruise with freckles. I'm weaker than you.
Bon Iver's "Creature Fear" starts to play and I melt into my seat. Does my other half exist? Did I meet him already and push him to the door? Is he something I've regretted? Is there even such a thing? Why should I even care?
Most of my life has been motivated by loving, and being loved in return. Okay, I lied, ALL of my life has been governed by love. I just want to love and be loved in return. It's truly the only thing I'm kind of really scared of and therefore, I want to conquer it. I want to love like how my lungs love oxygen. Like how my body loves music.
Bon Iver's "Blood Bank" plays and I sink deep into my cerebellum. I hear the lyrics "I know it well" over and over again. I focus on those words the hardest and watch my fingers jab at the corners of skin around my nails. I feel alive. I feel bruised. As I hop off the bus I feel it all rush to me. Faces of others are now blurred and my mind's scab is finally picked. As it peels off I notice I'm sitting on the bench at the wrong bus stop and I have been staring at the same spec in the road for twenty minutes. I am now late to work. I am now late to life. Instead of putting it all together and picking up the pieces, I sit. I stare and I listen. I listen harder to the feeling of each song that I should. I feel the guitar strings on my fingers, the microphone in my face, the buzzing of the tubes in the amp, and I close my eyes. I could die right now.
I sit until the next bus comes. I take that numbingly to somewhere unfamiliar and walk to the closest shore. I sit down and there's the mountains across the water, the forest behind me, the rocks below me, the water next to me. I want to dive in. I want to hide inside nature. Mother nature's womb. I want to be reborn again. As something else other than this.
What would happen if I could actually be loved how I want to love in return? What exactly would I do first? I'd probably take on the stars, the universe, the beyond. I'd become a goddess. I'd be mightier than Aphrodite.
So in all retrospect, I guess I want to become a goddess. I want to feel invincible, not invisible. I don't want to feel like I can be bruised again.
But we all do know that bruises heal.
- Dark Was Night