Queen of the Wolves

King of the Birds

Well I broke down drunk and retarded last night to the ex-fiance. I told him I still loved him and that I miss him and I am losing it without him...and the funny thing is is that it was all a lie. I totally lied my face off. I made him just think I still really cared about him when I don't. He moved and ruined anything between us. Yeah I will be moving up there, if all things go as planned. But we all know things don't ever go as planned. I might stay here, or move somewhere else, who knows. But regardless, I feel bad for lying to him. I mean I still care, but I haven't really thought about him but more than once this week and that is saying something. I guess I've just moved on and realized that things end for a reason. I even told him I felt like he was my other half and that is way out of the park! I have no idea why I said that. Maybe I said it all because I felt like I needed to say it to someone, and he just happened to be that someone I felt like saying it to. But when I woke up this morning I realized that I care for him, but that is it. If I loved him I would be up there already and living with him...but I am not even trying. In fact, I'm stalling. I'm taking more schooling, I'm telling him later dates, and now I'm not sure if I want to go up there. I am not the girl he is supposed to be with. I won't go out of my way for him anymore. I think him leaving helped me realize that the relationship wasn't really anything great and when he moved he drew a big line between us. I don't know why I told him all of that and now I need to write him telling him that I am not in love with him anymore. I don't want to say it, but I really do at the same time. I want him to know I was lying and that I shouldn't have said all that shit. I will give it a day or two maybe. Then I'll let him know. Maybe I should just let all my exes know exactly how I feel about them so they all don't think I'm still obsessing over them or anything. Only two of my exes are still really in my heart anymore and the others I barely care for more than a friend. So I guess it's that time to make ammends.

crash course on evolution:
okay so i tried to have a conversation with a friend of mine, even though i sort of started making it into a debate....about evolution.

i first of all, think it's absurd to think that some creator made us.
and i secondly, think it's even more absurd to think that the earth is only millions of years old.

there is testiment that states otherwise for the above fact, that the earth is definately not as old as i would think it is, but most of the statements have questions in themselves.

i had decided to look at the facts and theories and came up with this:
1. a theory refers to a hypothesis that has passed so many tests that it is generally accepted as a true fact. therefore, the theory of evolution is true.

2. the volcanic ridge is a continuous submarine range of volcanic mountains that runs through all the ocean basins, so therefore our core is made of molten rock.

3. Our earth has had continental drifting. we have proven facts that the same animal fossils have been found on completely different continents.

4. There are two forms of sediment in the marine life:
A. Lithogenous - derived from the physical and chemical breakdown of rocks.
B. Biogenous - consists of the skeletons and shells of marine organisms. These can be called microfossils and have told us what organisms lived in the ocean in the past, they give us clues to ancient ocean temperatures, and so forth.

5. All living things grow, metabolize, regulate their internal environment, react to the external environment, and reproduce. The basic structural unit of life is the cell. The two major cell types are:
A. Prokaryotic cells - most ancient, simplest and smallest cells, bacteria mostly make up this type.
B. Eukaryotoic cells - organized and complex, contains DNA, a nucleus, and other things that our cells carry. this is us in the most simplest form.

So these eukaryotic cells and these prokaryotic cells actually make up a lot of the biogenous sediment in the ocean, which in turn [over a long period of time] can actually form into fossil fuels.

So that proves that we are part of the cycle. now onto the evolution part:

evolution occurs because individual organisms have genetic differences in their ability to find food, avoid being eaten, in metabolism, and countless other things. The most adapted ones produce more offspring on average. they also pass their favorable characteristics on to those offspring. the favorable traits become more common and over generations and population, it becomes more similar to the individuals. so they are continually adapting to their environments. this proves that evolution is happening.

so in short, our planet evolved, we die, and we recycle. end of story.

How Convenient:
15 years ago today my mother (bless her heart) passed away. Funny how my first History assignment is to write my own obituary today, for today, on the day my mother died.

How fitting and depressing, and heart breaking.

Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow...or maybe it's perfect to write a gut-wrenching one for class.

Who knows...

Ohnly whishing whell
Well I read my last entry and I'm a bit upset I didn't finish it.

I've ruined a lot of relationships, but none of them were entirely all my fault. I wouldn't act out and misbehave myself if something wasn't upsetting me, but then again, I should probably talk it out instead of acting it out. That would be the most logical thing to do. Alas, I've realized this and now I am a single girl destined to probably stay this way for a long time as relationships terrify her.

I mean, I'd really love to get involved again with someone, but I just can't seem to find anyone that doesn't have a flaw to them that I can not get passed. Call me judgmental or just plain picky. I just don't want to waste any time on something I'm sure won't work.

I guess it all comes down to a connection. I have not really found that connection I've been looking for in a long time. I've forced it for a long time, but I have not had it come naturally like it used to. I think it is because I have seen the ugly side of love and relationships and now connections aren't so intense or whatever the word would be.

I do think that a kiss is still just as intense. If you look at my face when a guy is kissing me you can automatically tell if I like him or if I'm forcing it. Usually it's a forced like. Something I feel like I have to do now that I'm so cynical and in denial that true, unabridged, and unrequited love really exists.

Does that sound depressing? If so, it shouldn't. To me it's very simple. You love, you lose, you learn, and you move on.

Here, let me give you a quick example of how I have perceived relationships lately:
Let's say your relationships are laid out before you. You have always been looking at them from ground level as they tower over you and are hard to focus on. Now let's say you decide to look at them from a different approach. Lets say one day you see this huge, sturdy ladder that can take you above the relationships to look at your entire life as a whole. As you stare at it it looks more and more inviting because each huge skyscraper is towering so high over you that you keep getting lost in your big city of failures and mistakes and past relationships...and life. You climb this ladder and all of a sudden, everything is infinitesimal small. Every skyscraper looks now like a small little pebble that you can hardly see. It didn't take up too much time on your city time line. So now you see a clear path to your future and you see everything else that was so hard to get past as now a tiny building. Something so small it shouldn't matter to you in a life time.

This is how I've come to view life. It's a great way to keep yourself focused on the path ahead and the plans you're about to accomplish. Instead of dwelling on the next building you may run into or the next huge mistake or whatever you would like to call it. It helps you get past the things you thought you'd never get past...and that is how I got over those relationships. That is how I've moved on from my past.

Even if some of my past is still with me, the feelings finally aren't there. No hard feelings either, no regret, nothing. Just past.

holy cow
so i just spent the last hour scanning through the oldest of old journal entries. i've realized that i have all my past relationships in this journal, except the one. i deleted the entire relationship, from day one to the end and shit, even after.

did it really mess me up that bad that i eternal sunshined it? i can't remember much from it. i can't remember much at all actually. i do remember before and after. i must have spent so much time forgetting it that i actually forgot the majority of it.

so i have been trying to remember. i can remember little things here and there, but nothing really substantial. i think he remembers more. he says i forgot and made up some things...and i am believing him. i remember two substantial days...and that's it really.

am i actually forgetting things? am i really actually realizing i can let go of it all? i think i fought so hard to hold on to it that i had convinced myself i couldn't let it go.

there is still something there, but it's just small and i wouldn't call it a spark anymore, more like hot coals left over from the night before that someone poured water on to put out, but didn't get all of it. so it's smoldering underneath all this ash and no one really cares about it because it'll go out soon enough. it'll finally suffocate.

wow, i can't believe I'm saying this...I'm over it. it's a stab in the throat with a blunt object every single time i repeat it because that means i am over it. for once, I'm over it. took almost five years. and i think I'm more upset that I'm over it because i know that i thought he was the love of my life. my connection. in all honesty, if i can get over him, he wasn't.

and that scares and excites me more than anything. that he wasn't the one connection I'll never get over. he's the connection I've learned from, and the connection I'll never forget, but he doesn't take up that department in my heart now. he should have never had that portion in the first place. he didn't really deserve it. not that he was a bad boyfriend, because honestly he was one of the best boyfriends I've ever head, it's just that he never should have gotten that close to me. he shouldn't have caused me that much pain. i mean, come on, it took me longer to get over him that how long we dated.

i do think it's funny that every guy i have dated since hasn't hurt me that bad, but the break ups were way worse and the situations more extreme i think. i can't really remember the break up. i remember a bed, stairs, door, neighbors, and car. ...and driving to work crying a couple of times. that's all i remember. i think it was something like two months later that i actually broke down. i don't even know why i was so upset. i was the one who ruined it...oh maybe that is the reason. i ruined it.

....oh it's all coming back now so I'm done talking about it. last thing i want to do is say I'm not done yet....when i am.

Well I will leave you all and bid a goodnight.

Updates Updates
Well my pell grant went through. I hopefully get it soon.
I am trying to get a better job. The one I had at MCC Bookstore gave me little no zero hours.
I keep having bad dreams about Matt, but in the end I'll be okay.
School starts in two weeks. I want to go camping before then but who knows.
The weather is almost bearable again. Can't wait.
Um...things aren't great, but they could be worse. That's the mentality I have lately.
Just getting by day to day.
Phone will be off tomorrow through the week...or until my grant comes.
Getting a beach cruiser then too. Possibly contacts and broadband for the laptop. Debating it all though.
I might just throw it all in an account and not touch it. Who knows.

Well off to another listless day.

The Entry of a Lifetime:
I believe that my brain has finally conquered my erratic blood flow. It seems that everything inside that wanted to shift and transform into emotional energy is turning into theoretical impossibilities. Marketing my emotional self is now as dead as Billy Mays. Some would say I'm turning into a zombie that craves brains...and they would indeed tell me that a zombie way of life is not a great way to live, but I beg to differ. I like to crave the information that a person can obtain! I want to dwell on the facts and absorb the wisdom.

Emotions have ran my metaphorical stage of life for too many years and has put me in loads of trouble. I've hurt, abused, used, misinterpreted, taken for granted, lied, cheated, stole, and broke many hearts [including mine] from being so emotional. I've hated myself for not taking control in any of these situations. For a good six or seven years now I've been trying to focus on keeping myself composed. It may have taken a good portion of my life and time to do, but I can now see the rainbow at the end of this long tunnel. I have a focus on what I want and I will not rest till I get it.

I used to think that my grass would always be much more green somewhere else, but now I know that the grass you're standing in is probably the softest grass-since you're paying so much more attention to it. The grass somewhere else is probably neglected and full of weeds and insects. Why would you want to go see that grass and try to save it when you've got the best grass under your feet? I used to want to save that grass from decaying and it's own abandon. Now I just realized that if I did that I'd leave that beautiful patch I was on to rot and whither away. I'd never finish watching it grow and seeing the dew on a cold morning, the misty fog that washes over it when it's humid out, etc. Needless to say, I've let too many patches of grass that were beautiful die and barely looked back. Soon this patch of grass I'm on right now will grow and grow and cover those little broken patches I once cherished. Those broken patches that I've always wanted to fix and repair and watch flourish again will soon have an eternal slumber under the soil and blossom beautiful life once again.

The drought is finally over.

oh man oh man
so tonight was GREAT! i talked to damien for two and a half hours tonight! i have not spoken to him since 2006 or so....but yeah i have never laughed so much and talked on the phone for that long since high school...hell maybe even this is the first time i've ever talked that long...and sadly, i still have so much more to talk about! aw i miss him i can't wait till he comes home! it's sad how much i remember about him. he's such an amazing person. =]

i also hung out with this guy steve that likes me, for the third time - this time sober - and that was fun. found out we had a lot of things in common. it was a little awkward, but good to meet him sober for once.

but yeah now i'm off to bed and i hope i have another long ass conversation with damien tomorrow or very soon.

i also got my first laptop today and taught crystal how to play some songs on the guitar. all in all it was an amazing day and evening. oh and i start my job at MCC Bookstore on Friday...so tomorrow now. yeah! life is great. i can't wait to move out and live on my own and get rid of this god forsaken dui!

(no subject)
I'm addicted to 3Oh!3 right now.

but i have a ton of energy and am ready to go to the bars tonight and get free drinks for flirting. =]

so life
has handed me a new thinking process. its one of those "do unto yourself" processes. i woke up again. literally woke up again to realize that i don't need anyone and no one needs me. i am just getting myself together and no one is stopping me. i missed being like this. getting a job by the end of the month. getting school things set up by the end of the month. losing that weight i desperately needed and have been trying to lose. No one and no man is getting in my way this time. i need to keep my thoughts on a straight path.


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